On the Measuring and Defining of Rants

Stephen Jones

Summary

The aim of this report is to simplify the quantititive investigation of the phenomenom of ranting, particularly the relatively newly discovered and notoriously unpredictable e-rant. This requires the introduction of a new system of units to quantify ranting. In the course of researching this report, the author has been involved in both generating and receiving rants for the purpose of measurement and determination of the pertinent factors. It is recommended that the units proposed below are introduced to the SI system as soon as is possible to allow further study of this rapidly expanding field.

Results

It was found that there are only 4 areas which define a rant or group of rants. These are the venom, the length, the volume and the frequency. Each of these can vary considerably in magnitude, and needs to be measured separately as they are unrelated. In general a unique set of these values is suffficient to summarise a ranter's behaviour, though this gives only an average around which considerable fluctuation is observed. The exact direction and nature of a rant produced is inherently unpredictable, though again trends are seen.

The measurements required were found to be :

The Venom

This is best measured by collecting the bile off the individual electrons composing the rant and weighing. The standard unit suggested is the Rhino ( R ), defined as 1kg bile/electron, though this is an inconveniently large unit requiring the introduction of prefixes. A typical rant will be of the order 1-20 mR, though responses to comments regarding annual dinner can often reach 2R, a dangerous level which can prove toxic to sensitive individuals -- handle with care.

The Length

This is a simple unit defined as the length of the rant measured in lines of standard text. The suggested unit is to be the Merson ( M ), where 1 M = 500 lines).

The Volume

This is here defined as the proportion of the rant which conveys little or no useful information whilst still being incorporated within the main part of the rant. It is determined by taking the length of the e-rant (measured in Mersons), and dividing by the number of subjects involved in the rant. The result is defined in Mersons/point, also known as the Wadder ( w ). Rants as low as 2mw have been reported but the authenticity of these as genuine rants is questionable. The author has also observed transmission of rants exceeding 2w, but these are exceptional events, often attaining mythical status such as `the ladder rant'. Typical rants are found to range from 10 mw to 1 w, though rants at the upper end of the scale can cause serious injury as the reader is in danger of apoptosis of the brain.

The Frequency

This is a measure of many rants per day are sent/received. It was felt the Admin ( A ) would be an appropriate unit, but 1 A proves impossibly large to handle, requiring excessive deletion of valuable data before it is possible to safely handle the frequency of rants involved. A final figure of 1A = 100 rants/day was settled upon, only considering rants above 0.05 w, 2 mR as to measure all rants would in fact prove impossible.

Examples

The behaviour of a number of ranters was observed over a period of 18 months, in an attempt to determine their characteristic ranting numbers. The results are summarised below:

It is left as an exercise for the reader to connect the ranters listed to each set of data : Earl Merson, Julian Haines, Wookey, Wadders, Steve Jones. Should difficulty arise with any area of this report, please feel free to contact the author. If a rant is required, please try to moderate this to less than 5 mR, 0.05 M, 2 mw.