The novice caver, setting off for P8 in the coach, little knows what he has let himself in for - and he has little chance of discovering this from the incomprehensible terminology and esoteric conversation of the experienced cavers.

Hearing he is to be confronted with ducks, crabs, grannies and hard men, armed only with a pinanaraldite and an eeteear; and that he is expected to perform such actions as 'gonking', 'thrutching' and 'pissing about', it is no wonder that his 'motivation' has shrivelled to nothing before he ever disembarks fron the coach.

His hopefully-purchased CUCC Journal is hardly likely to fill these gaps in his vocabulary, being in the main a compendium of 'in' jokes mostly by, and about, people he has never heard of, with such unlikely names as B and G Wonder, and Batpond. This article sets out to remedy this sorry state of affairs, being a glossary of common caving terms which the novice is certain to meet, and which lose much of their power to terrify when explained in simple language. The novice is exhorted to familiarise himself with these terms and use them with confidence.

1) Abseil.

A useful technique requiring a piece of metal called a descendeur. This has convenient holes in it so it can be tied on to the end of a piece of rope to weigh it down. After the rope has been thrown down the pitch, a coil is passed under the crutch and round the neck whereupon a controlled slide brings one to the bottom of the pitch.

2) 'Are-they-open?'

A rhetorical question expressing grave doubts as to the safety / feasibility / whereabouts, of the proposed cave.

3) Baudrier.

A novice's first attempt at putting on a sitsling (q.v.).

4) Boss.

The leader of a party. Useful for belaying to.

5) Brakeblocking.

Reverse of (1).

6) D.L.

An advanced single rope technique allowing one person to ascend and another person to descend a pitch simultaneously.

7) 'Down-down-down...'.

Three affluent cavers proceeding to the pub (see duvet).

8) Figure of eight.

A secure knot made by tying sixteen half hitches one on top of the other. Allow an extra 50 feet of rope.

9) Half-hitch.

A drawback not sufficient to allow one to proceed to Are-they-open.

10) Hero medal.

Highest award of skill / leadership / courage, invariably awarded to oneself.

11) Jacking.

Unselfishly remaining at the top of the last 50m pitch in order to facilitate lifelining.

12) Krabs.

Things you catch (usually on ladders when climbing).

13) Ouigee

The first word the novice will come across. The 'ouigee' is easily recognised by his clean, loose-fitting wetsuit and by the enormous quantity of tackle he is carrying. If not caving, he is often to be seen buying fifteen pints of bitter and a half of lager.

14) P8.

Maximum capacity of footbridge- next stop after (15).

15) PU.

Tree in Horton Graveyard.

16) Pretties.

Formations generally found halfway up big pitches, requiring a long pause for full appreciation.

17) Sitsling

A novice's first attempt at putting on a baudrier (q.v.).

18) Slash.

A tear in a wetsuit or emergency measures to combat hypothermia.

19) Sump.

An underground phenomenon resulting from too much beer at lunchtime or a new and close-fitting wetsuit. See also (18).

20) Waistlength.

Final solution to the Baudrier - Sitsling dilemma. (q.q.v.)