Rog had suggested that I write a 'silly article' to balance the tauri excreta of my trusty speleo associates. I presume this means an intentionally light-headed approach angled at egocentricity tempered with rampant fatuosity. Having reflected upon the more amusing events of the past year at some length, I realise how thin the line between tragedy and comedy is. Sustaining this note of tragedy, let us consider caving in its modern, professional capacity of courageous decisions, sleepless nights and grey mornings.

The professional will need suitable equipment for all occasions. For example if, as many of us are, he is a 'fat-man' at heart, who finds himself inserted into thin and awkward places usually as a result of his negligence, often as a pot-bashing ego-trip and occasionally in the cause of speleology, he will appreciate the advantages of a carbide lamp. It was thought along these lines that turned my ever ingenious scientific mind to development of the stinky from a mere headpiece to a way of life.

I based my thoughts on that paradigm of the expletive, the French Carbide Lamp which, without a reflector, is surely one of the prime targets of the Conservation Lobby. Think, however, of the possibility of a waist level carbide and water combine, linked by armoured cable to a jet and reflector on the helmet... the only barrier between me and forty-eight hours of continuous light underground remained a wet flint!

Once again my agile brain leapt into action - electrical gas lighters are readily purchased at 'most good department stores'. These are far too bulky yet fragile for the professional to bother with, (Remember, Smooth is Hard - you want to be Hard, don't you?), but the development potential is terrific!

I was fortunate to purchase the element to one of these exciting devices, and three leclanche cells of the high power variety of the same diameter as the element. These I inserted into a length of saturated polyhydrocarbon tubing to form a (chemically) stable protective case. A wire was attached to one end of this tube, thus the circuit may be completed with the free end; when not in use this wire coils neatly into an external concentric protective device. Surface tests showed great promise, the machine lighting a stinky even after complete immersion.

I decided on a field trial before inserting the battery into my helmet and the element into my reflector. What better initial test than a very wet Swinsto - Valley Entrance exchange ? It was now that tragedy unveiled herself. My device did not light at the entrance. Using my as-yet-dry flint I lit my stinky and set out on one of those things a man's got to do. Despite total immersion on several pitches, most of which were dramatically damp, and a short farce routine when my roulette clamped itself onto a ladder wire and declined to part with its new found playmate for several minutes, my light stayed on throughout the trip. Not only had my lighter failed, it also appeared to be unessential.

Development will continue undeterred by this blow to functional efficiency. Even at this stage my lighter looks good and must therefore compete strongly for a place in your tackle chest if you are seriously considering joining the professionals (and is a must if you already have!)

I feel strongly that we should also have the correct mental approach, which perhaps deserves comment and clarification. Example is arguably the most powerful tool in this difficult field and I therefore cite the most recent "Professional" move in CUCC. Having encouraged 12 good men and true to sign on and pay for a Yorkshire meet, we felt compelled to stay behind in Cambridge - superficially for the sake of Abbot Ale, actually in the cause of the speleological philosophy. Despite strong representation from the amateurs in the club, we maintained the highest standards of professional practice. Justice was done and SEEN to be done when their ill-begotten minibus came to grief 100 miles up the A1, just after closing time; -- nasty things, Big Ends!